For the past weeks I’ve bummed out and it scares me that I might not find my way out of this zone. You know, over relaxed days can turn you to a lazy ass person who doesn’t have any will to get up and make something. Moments of reflection are often done just because there is nothing left to do but overthink about how boring your life is right now. It almost feels like torture, at fault, or something like that.
It’s my parents’ request for me to take a break after graduation. Looking back how stressful college was, I think I deserve to have a little leisure time and release all my longing for sleep and social life. But it has already been a couple of months since I was left with a task (except for house chores, there is no way I can escape that in my mom’s house!) And I think it is my inner masipag-self now wanting to look for a three-letter word that usually takes place after college life. Clue is it starts with J, ends with B, O in the middle. Yup.
BUT, the problem is that every time that I think of getting a job, I always ask myself: Do I fit for this one? Can I commit? Am I ready yet? Are my learnings/experiences will get me through and through? What if my boss/workmates will hate me? What if I’m not as good as I think I am? Mag-artista nalang kaya ako? (hehe)
I hate to think that my mind is doubting my skills but I cannot help it. It sucks. I don’t feel ready. I don’t feel enough.
Being a bummer is both happy and sad. Happy because you can sleep-eat-repeat and not worry about any deadline. Sad because the clock is ticking and you are still not earning money, you are just being unproductive every day that passes by.
Imagine having all these questions and being impatient. I want to know every answer that I will soon get. I want to experience life the way I pictured it out. But I guess right now, I have to take it easy and just enjoy the process.
At least I have this time to ask myself about what I really like and what I want to become in the long run. What positions should I apply for? Do I really want to pursue a writing career? Maybe I should go back to theater? Do I want to be an artista, a writer, or a director? Are all the money and time I spent for VTRs worth it? Honestly, the answers that I got from myself weren’t really as clear as I expected it to be. Well at least I know to myself now that it is important to take your time and be patient. Answers will not be the answer unless it is the right time. Eventually, stuff will go well as you go easy on it.
Aside from reassuring yourself, I think this is also the perfect time to hustle your way out of your comfort zone. This is an opportunity to see the world in a wider perspective and change for the better. It all starts with disciplining your body to wake up early and sleep at least before the clock strikes 11 or 12 and appreciate all the blessings even the little ones.
It was so clear to me then that I was wrong when I said that there is nothing left to do just because it is “break time” for me. So I found myself reading new books and blogs, watching new series, listening to new music, catching up with people who I haven’t been with for a while, going back to the gym, getting some bonding time with my nephew or pampering myself. There is a lot more to imagine and enjoy while you’re on a vacation.
You may ask (or feel- for some people who has the same life situation), how should I (or we) feel about our other batch mates who has now figured out their paths as soon as they got out of college? I don’t wanna sugarcoat my thoughts and say that I feel no pressure. Of course, there is guilt. There is comparison. But then again, who cares? We are all settling for our personal lives now and not for other people including relatives or super close friends. We all have different paths, different timelines and different experiences. This is not a competition so stop pushing too hard.
Life has been and always will be a tricky one. One moment it will make us feel bored, unproductive, and useless. The next moment all that we’ll know is that we are already inside the train braving the world of opportunities.
Right now, I can say that rest mode is over for me. No matter how sooner or later a job will come to me, it’s going to be okay. Maybe God just wants me to shake things up. He wants me to reassure myself about my goals and plans. He wants me to check on my priorities. And lastly, I know he’s telling me to throw away all my questions of doubt and just trust myself, for I am His daughter and He will never let me down.
I hope at least one or two of you get my point here.
At this moment, I am scheduled for a final interview within the week. I’m kind of sick right now but I have taken my meds already, hope I’ll get better before the day comes! Praying nothing but the best, not just for me but for all my loved ones including you! Let’s see what happens next. Until my next blog post! 😉
**plays Shake It Off by Taylor Swift**
featured photo from Google.com